Breastfeeding isn’t really sexy

Kelly_BabyBoob.jpg

We finished our second birthing class this weekend, breastfeeding. We have one more birth class to take, infant CPR. I’m ready for it. I’m ready to be that guy who cracks jokes in class. Cause what says killing in front of a crowd more than infant CPR? Observations of feeding class after the jump.

Kelly_BabyBoob.jpg

We finished our second birthing class this weekend, breastfeeding. We have one more birth class to take, infant CPR. I’m ready for it. I’m ready to be that guy who cracks jokes in class. Cause what says killing in front of a crowd more than infant CPR? Observations of feeding class after the jump.


Right up to the door, I was convinced there would be no dudes. I thought I was going to be the only one, so I devised a plan with Julie to act all casual like I was dropping her off if it were all women. Maybe I would help her sit down, be all polite and then go eat Fish and Chips at Elephant and Castle. But we walked in and there were a ton of dudes and half the class was geared at us.

1. I still couldn’t pull the trigger on jokes. But this time, a couple other jokesters got in some funny quips. And the funniest quip? Julie. At my frickin expense. You go around the room and say your name and the due date and why you want to take the class. Most couples said “cause we don’t know anything”. Julie? “We are here because HE doesn’t know anything”. Room goes crazy. I didn’t even see it coming. Why?

2. I did it. I grabbed a black baby-doll to practice with. And I caught myself daydreaming. I was the most liberated dude in the class. Me and my guy were going to be super cool, and I would take him to blues fest and he would be awesome at slam poetry. He would also be the coolest kid at New Trier. He would then go to Harvard but where his jacket inside out like Fresh Prince, because he had such a cool, liberating upbringing. Then his real parents would try to take him back, saying I pulled a Baby T. But he’d choose me, because he knew I was the real deal. Wait, what did the woman just say? What has to be warm? You microwave the tit? Shit, I should have just taken the white babies like everyone else!!!!

3. The woman teaching the class looked and more importantly, sounded like Cheri Oteri.

4. Suck the whole boob, not just the nipple. Back on track. Got it kids?

5. One of the videos was from England, and they talked of “winding” the baby. Cheri Oteri told us that meant burping. I came this close to saying “yeah, and they call cigarrettes fags.” I didn’t. I don’t think it would have worked.

6. For every complicated question, our instructor said “well, the manufacturs says no…..but off the record? I say yes.”

7. My linen pants were severely wrinkled. I know linen is wrinkley, but I thought this was over the top.

8. Best line of the class: “Babies will try to suck any nipple they can, so watch out grandpas.”

9. If you can exclusively breastfeed for the first year, you can save up to $1500 dollars. Enough for an appliance. Really? An appliance? I say a boob job! DAMN – again, I should’ve pulled that one out.

10. Can you breast feed when you get a boob job?

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