Who the f*** are these weirdos???
…and why are they in charge of so much as a dry turd?
As Lieberman walked out, he said that congressionally mandated withdrawal would be a “victory for al-Qaida and a victory for Iran.”
Yuri Lane: TONIGHT!
Have you been to the Schad show when beatboxer Yuri Lane performed? You would know. And he is having a CD release party tonight at Silver Room (1442 Milwaukee) in Wicker Park. The party starts around 8pm! We’ll be there! Congrats Yuri.
Just in Case You Missed It…
Did you see Michael Cera (of Arrested Development fame) get fired from Knocked Up? What a great bit.
Wanna do a quick round of 80’s Baseball Players?
Did you see the news that Major League Baseball is going to televise the draft this year? And that a ton of organizations are going to get former baseball players to sit at the podiums to represent their teams. Get this: Chet Lemon will rep the Sox. Dave Martinez for the Devil Rays. The Orioles have Jim Parker. The Cubs? A suit. A suit from the organization. Sooo, I ask you today: who would you like to see representing the Cubs, or any other team for that matter. I would like to see Carney Lansford for the A’s. And Dave Dravecky for the Pirates. Takers?
Some Time, You’re Dead!
Here’s a great way to kill some time. Somewhere along the line my intense dislike of Doug Stanhope eroded. Maybe it’s my thirties, who has the time to put into disliking shit? But if you have sometime to kill, check out Baiting.org. It’s a site full of posts of Doug and others on internet chat rooms baiting pedophiles in very funny ways. For those with only a few minutes to kill I’ll post one that Doug did as dirtybagina
dirtybagina:You don’t, by any chance, like to cyber do you?
evrclr83:yep
dirtybagina:So what are you into?
evrclr83:i do just about anything baby
evrclr83:what are u into?
dirtybagina:I do it all.
dirtybagina:Oral
dirtybagina:Anal
dirtybagina:Candle wax
dirtybagina:Haiku
evrclr83:anything else?
dirtybagina:Carpet Dogging.
dirtybagina:Hells Bells
dirtybagina:Fecal Doldrums
A lot more after the jump.
Hipster Doofus! Get Up!
I eat at Santullos in Wicker Park a lot. Slice of pizza for about 3 bucks. Julie and I were in the neighborhood this past weekend and we stopped in. Every table was occupied in the pizza joint. So me and my 8 month pregnant wife stood. I don’t mind. Neither does Julie. We weren’t annointed by God to have a baby, so no one should have to get up. But when there are 3 tables occupied by assface 22 year old Hipster Doofus’s already done with their pizza and just reading their “Atlas Shrugged”, that’s when I get miffed. 3 of em! All looked straight at Julie and gave the defiant “I’m finishin my book, sitting at MY table..breeder.” So note to Santullos hipster doofus: I’m gonna teach you some manners. And then I’m going to kick your face in and make you wash your clothes. And shave your Lenin mustache. Welcome to Chicago.
Either/Or
Either I’m so tired of seeing warmongering old farts nestled in body armor surrounded by soldiers and helicopters to prove how safe Iraq is, or I just can’t get enough of it.
Lethal Weapon Porn
As previously reported, I saw Lethal Weapon recently and rubbed shoulders with noteables. Actually, funny thing I didn’t mention in that long recap, I blew off Gary Busey that night. Busey was there for the Q&A and that guy’s not doing a bit, he is a goddamn weirdo. I’m standing in line to meet a big big hero, director Richard Donner and along the way was Gary Busey signing autographs. The people in front of me asked him for Gary’s autograph, then the line got to me and it was obvious that I, too, should ask for his autograph which I didn’t want. I smiled at Gary and nodded, he nodded back, and then I turned away to walk forward. It would’ve been an odd moment with anyone, weirder that it was Gary Busey.
But one thing I remembered when watching Lethal Weapon again was the “Lethal Weapon porn.” It’s very obscure, but the girl that jumps off the roof in the opening scene was in porno movies before she died in the plotline of the movie. Later Danny Glover watches her porno and it’s just women showering. That always puzzled me. In what porn do women just shower? Two days after seeing Lethal Weapon I found myself editing two women showering. Life’s funny that way.
A Few Rules for Outlet Malls
1.) No Browsing. Get in and get out.
2.) Bring a sandwich unless you’re hungry for stale, germy Chinese food.
3.) “Parfumania” looks like “PerformInk” from a distance. “PerformInk” doesn’t have a store at the Outlet Mall offering discounted updates about who booked what commercial.
4.) You’ll run into 32nd Ward Alderman Scott Waugespack in Calvin Klein. Tell him thanks for being a part of the Schadenfreude Rent Party and congrats on being an Alderman and isn’t that a nice zipper sweater over there.
5.) Throw store greeters off guard by calling them “Pally” when you walk in.
LACOSTE GUY
Welcome to LaCoste, Chief.
YOU
Hey there, Pally.
Malibu and Mike Adamle?
How awesome is this. Deadspin had this on their site yesterday talking all sorts of funny about Malibu and how funny it is that this was on TV. But the guy interviewing Malibu is the Chicago story! Channel 5’s part-time sportscaster Mike Adamle had a job before Channel 5? Yep, he roamed among the Gladiators.
Keys.
As I opened my apartment tonight I realized something. I have keys. You can measure where you are by how many keys you have. When you’re a kid. Two keys, house and bike. Then comes a car key, later dorm, apartments. Then come work keys. I moved here with two keys, both to the Schadenfreude office. It was a daily reminder of all that was gone. Keys are security, proof you have somewhere you can go. I have some keys now, I guess I’ve got somewhere I can go.
Is This a New Rule?
I kind of missed this story, but did the audience at the Miss Universe pageant boo Miss U.S.A.? What? I didn’t know you could do that!!!! For so many years I’ve watched the pageant and bit my tongue when the loser Miss Spain or portly Miss Poland strutted their stuff. OH how I wanted to spit at Miss Ukraine. Or that time I had to leave the room because Miss Mexico was making an ass out of herself. But I’ve always clenched my jaw and remained silent out of respect for the pageant. Now in 2007 it is OK to boo? Good. I can’t wait for 2008. Party at my place and bring your best Croatia-mockin costume. Idiots.
Open Letter to That Lady in Target
Hey Lady! If you don’t stop being so bossy and mean to your husband, he’s going to leave you. I could see it in his eyes. And so could everyone else in aisles 12, 13 and 14. Everybody forgets to get file cabinet dividers sometimes — cut him a break. And when he leaves, don’t get angry at me — I’m just the messenger. You think he doesn’t have it in him to get up and go after 17 years of marriage? Me and the rest of aisle 14 say he does. Oh, and one more thing — that shirt looks horrible on you.
Vince Deguzio Live in Concert!
You have all heard of the Polish crooner Vince Deguzio, right? He’s as handsome as Frank Sinatra and as smooth as Telly Savalas. He’s pure Chicago, baby.
This Week’s Reason I’m Glad I Have Cable
The documentary “The Last Days of Left Eye” on VH1. Holy Toledo it’s odd to watch. Lisa Lopes was in Honduras making a documentary when she was killed, so there is footage of everything, including the car wreck. She talks about how she has a spirit that is chasing her, maybe trying to kill her. Gives a whole new meaning to “Waterfalls”. Or maybe it doesn’t — I never really understood that song in the first place. Interesting note, in 1999, I went as Left Eye for Halloween. Two years after… she dies. In 2000, I went as Carrie Donovan — you know the old lady with the dog in the Old Navy commercials. One year later… SHE dies. I haven’t really dressed up for Halloween since. Too much pressure…
Bring a 2-minute monologue, be ready to improvise
Finally watching the Democratic Candidates Debate a few weeks later, it’s apparent that running for President is more of a job interview for a cabinet position than it is participating in the actual race. I seriously thought that Kucinich was going to hand-carry his resume to Obama. We all know it’s gonna be Hillary and Barack when it comes down to brass tax, but it’s fun when MSNBC gives everyone equal air time for the first round — Week 1 on The Apprentice.
Hollywood stars will always make the best Presidents. Who would the world really trust more — Chris Dodd or Han Solo? Taking Matt Damon into an international conference, and you skip years of formalities and awkward social introductions. The Slavs saw Bourne Identity just like we did and we all thought it was pretty hot.
Senator Edwards displaying his incredible slickness, Senator Biden vying for Secretary of State, Senator Clinton nodding when Senator Biden talks as if to say “Yes Joe, you WILL get Secretary of State, just don’t forget to back-out in March like we talked about,” Senator Gravel saying nothing of any consequence, Governor Richardson sweating. Fantastic actors all around, but none better than John Edwards. He needs to get repped by ICM and start playing lawyers in Bruckheimer movies.