Well, You Blew It.

TArianya.jpg

Here it is, almost 5 PM, and you are just now surfing Schadenfreude.net instead of getting your love something nice for Valentine’s Day.

Shame on you.

Hey – I appreciate the visit. I think it’s sweet. And when we get off our butts and find some sponsors – your visit is going to help us charge more for ads.

But what’s going to happen is you are going to lose your girl/guy. You’re going to get depressed, probably lose your job. Then you won’t have internet access, and won’t be visiting the site anymore at ALL – and then all those ads aren’t going to mean a gosh-darned thing.

So I’m here to help. Last minute help. After the jump. It just might save your relationship.

TArianya.jpg

Here it is, almost 5 PM, and you are just now surfing Schadenfreude.net instead of getting your love something nice for Valentine’s Day.

Shame on you.

Hey – I appreciate the visit. I think it’s sweet. And when we get off our butts and find some sponsors – your visit is going to help us charge more for ads.

But what’s going to happen is you are going to lose your girl/guy. You’re going to get depressed, probably lose your job. Then you won’t have internet access, and won’t be visiting the site anymore at ALL – and then all those ads aren’t going to mean a gosh-darned thing.

So I’m here to help. Last minute help. After the jump. It just might save your relationship.

TArianya.jpg

So you didn’t take my previous advice. You spent the last week learning that the Chargers fired Shottenmeyer – and now you’re stuck without a gift for Valentine’s Day.

You don’t even have reservations anywhere.

So what do you do to salvage this dire situation? Try the following:

  • Go to your nearest Walgreen’s
  • Go to the medicinal aisle
  • Purchase “syrup of ipecac”
  • Pay cash
  • Head to your significant other’s home
  • Before entering, take a swig of ipecac, and throw bottle away
  • Knock
  • Start sweating, profusely
  • Vomit
  • Pass out at the door, and await for your other to answer the door

At this point, make up any story you want – preferably something akin to you left your gift at home (if you don’t live together) or at the office (if living together) – you must have forgotten it in your woozy-sicky-light-headedness, and you feel JUST TERRIBLE about it (a tear at this point wouldn’t hurt – but don’t overdo it) and that you just feel so sick, and all you really need/want right now is a hug.

This goes a long way, and just may save you for a year. Of course, remember – if you have a gift at home/office – get one in the next few days, and surprise the lover over the weekend.

They’ll never know. Or they will know, and ignore it because of your dedication to the bit. Or they will know and they’ll call you out on it – and dump you – which is fine, because screw them if they can’t play their part in your scheme!

Anyways – Happy Valentine’s Day.

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