Spotted in Chicago sporting a “Los Diablos” shirt and colorful umbrella was Schadenfreude‘s own Dave Cenko. Here’s to you Dave! And Happy Birthday!
We would like to thank our special guest contributor, Michael Ironside for giving Schadenfreude.net his insight into today’s events.
Allright you little pantywaist weaklings, I guess you’re not man enough to digest the days headlines yourself, so Michael Ironside’s been called in to tell you what’s what. Don’t click away to the next page you asshole, Michael Ironside’s not here to be a part of your modern media short-attention span, he’s here to whip some well-needed knowledge and ball-kicks to you dregs.
Listen up, would-be hostage takers, we all know that there’s nothing on cable. Cable is bullshit, just there to distract you while the corporate assholes get your to buy a Shake Wieght. SO YOU CAN JACK OFF IN YOUR OWN FACE WHILE THEY LAUGH AT YOU AND LAUGH AT YOU!! WELL NOT ON MY WATCH!!!
Just because Discovery Channel is full of shit 51 weeks a year…oh, so surprised, that, yes, Michael Ironside enjoys Shark Week? What’s not to enjoy from 7 days of nature’s most awesome fury, a KILLING MACHINE who’s existence is the essence of simplicity itself. TO KILL. JUST KILL!!!! That’s a celebration Michael Ironside can buy into. But the rest of this cable nonsense needs to be taken down in a COORDINATED ASSAULT. Why take over the people who brought us Jon and Kate Plus 8 and leave whoever the FUCK thought up this show with midgets and pitbulls to walk the earth BREATHING THE SAME AIR AS YOU AND MICHAEL IRONSIDE!?!?!?! Why would one man walk into Discovery with a handgun and a propane tank and a flare, when a whole army could be raised on the underground, eating nothing but Tuna, and preparing, for a full assault on FX, TNT, The Cooking Network, and AMC (Breaking Bad isn’t a MOVIE CLASSIC, CHANGE YOUR FUCKING NAME OR MICHAEL IRONSIDE WILL KICK YOU IN THE BALLS. THE BALLS!!!).
Until such a point when we are organized enough to take down these Satellite-pimping pukes. Michael Ironside will continue to sit and wait. and wait. and wait.
And that’s Ironside’s Side
We are once again treated to the entire group arguing in the living room that is only used for post-Rose Ceremony arguing. On a show where everything is staged, even this is too much. There’s absolutely no reason for everyone to voluntarily congregate in one room. David is pissed that Wes put him in a position to make the decision to send Gia home. Natalie displays her feeble grasp of life in general by beginning a sentence with, “I think we can all agree…” Wes cuts her off by saying, “Can we stop bending over and blowing smoke up each other’s asses?” You know, like a big human smoke-blowing Ouroboros.
The doorbell rings during the fight because even the producers know this little pow-wow is stupid. Each of the Padistanis are delivered surveys and told to keep their answers confidential. And so begins the first portion of our competition…
The Competition — Telling the Truth (Kinda)
Chris Harrison claims that this contest is all about telling the truth, but it’s more about who’s willing to be the biggest dick. The producers have tabulated the results of the surveys. Some really skinny girl with enormous teeth reads the questions, and everyone must write down on a notecard who they think the majority of the Padistanis chose as the answer to the question. The first guy and girl to answer four questions correctly wins a rose.
First Question: Who do most of you believe is going to win?
Boring. The majority answered Kiptyn and most people got a point on this one. My question: Why wasn’t this a thirteen way tie between all of them? Shouldn’t they all have voted for themselves?
My answer: Schadenfreude.net readers.
Second Question: Who is your biggest enemy?
Still kinda boring. All the guys guess Wes because they are too dumb to realize that there are more girls than guys. The majority answer is Krisily. A bunch of girls get a point.
My answer: Whoever has kidnapped Helicopter.
Third Question: Who is the most shallow?
Okay, now it’s getting interesting. Except that this is like asking male figure skaters who is the most gay. The guys choose Krisily but the girls choose Elizabeth and they all earn a point. I’d say Elizabeth looked shocked but she’s too shallow to register emotion.
My answer: Toothy Skinny Girl reading the questions. (Who the hell is she and why is she here?)
Fourth Question: Who is the dumbest?
Now we’re in the heart of downtown Meanieopolis. Everyone but Tenley chooses Natalie. Even Natalie wrote down her own name like she was proud of it (both writing her name and for being voted dumbest). The majority chose Gwen and because Tenley also chose Gwen, she earns her fourth point and the rose. Kiptyn immediately goes into mail-it-in mode.
My answer: Me, for watching this show.
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